new photo and update..........kinda

man it's been a min. since i wrote one of these and i've been meaning to but have been putting it off. seems like half the journals i've written have been depressing so i wasn't trying to go that route and took a break, that and just gotten kinda lazy with that along with my artwork due to depression and all. after yet more bullshit being dealt to me by more dumb-asses as well as having to get my laptop and theresa's desktop repaired for a week i decided to get busy on some stuff and to stop getting so down on myself. what prompted me to write this is whilst going through my yahoo e-mail acct. deleting stack after bloody stack of spam i found a e-mail from my twin via facebook and saw that he uploaded a garish photo of me from my visit out to so. cal in sept. to pick up my belongings which included artwork and art supplies (unfortunately my clothes weren't a part of it, i guess he left those behind when he moved. thankfully i already have clothes, that would've taken up more space but my sneakers that i tagged were in the box with the clothes so they're gone) to which i'll upload. the funny part of the photo is how he describes that i'm happy in life but i look miserable in the picture, the complete opposite of happy. i guess i'll explain what that is all about as well as why my hair looked so crazy.

so theresa----and i took a road trip to so. cali so she could have a doctor's appt. and i could retrieve my stuff. i really didn't feel like visiting dwight because we were at odds and i was just so irritated and pissed with him and how he's treated me the past several years, our relationship is COMPLETELY strained as well as estranged. well i made it to pasadena at 4 or 5 in the morning and woke him up much to his chagrin. he definitely wasn't pleased with this and voiced that to me. by bitching and such being paranoid as usual. all i could think of was getting my shit and leaving. while there i washed my hair (hence the rehab look) and just relaxed and tried to be cordial with dwight but no matter how i felt i couldn't overlook a few facts:

for one, he was living alone in some house in pasadena converted into a tenement where people rented rooms. the floor was made of hardwood and that's where i slept for 2 days in a sleeping bag which is why i looked despondent and grouchy. that was so depressing having to see him in such a state because i know what it was like to live on your own all alone with no family or friends and i despised it. nothing more depressing than that. there was no way he could've convinced me that he wasn't happy living there surrounded by strangers.

the next thing is what happened wed. night which terrified me as well as something else i noticed being back in so. cal--the place has gotten worse. people are complete jerks and are rude to one another in one form or another. he was having problems tues. trying to get a job or interview as a security guard despite the fact that he has years of experience and certified. whatever office he was calling was giving him the rigmarole and trying to scam some money off of him for some other bullshit. i know california is broke and all but that's just ridiculous. then when he was returning from school wed. night some asshole sideswiped him with his car while he was on his bike. he crashed on the sidewalk and the driver jumped out all frightened and hysterical saying "OH MY GOD!!!! are you ok?" dwight was like, "yeah i'm fine." this asshole goes, "oh, ok" and hops back in his car and leaves. there were witnesses around and they pretended not to see what happened. fuckin' pissed me off. of all the times these nosy-ass muthafuckas wanna be in everybody's business they choose that moment to behave like what happened was none of their concern. that shit scared the hell outta me. i would've never known what happened at all unless i got a call from the police or a family member. at that point i just had to stop being rude towards dwight and try to mend our relationship. i may have 4 other brothers but i only have 1 twin. i told myself after that to stay in contact with him as much as i can instead of ignoring him like i usually did and to help him out when he needs it or if i'm able to. i can't be cold and unfeeling towards him anymore, that's not cool and i can't harbor feelings like that in my heart no longer. all it will do is tear me apart and drive me insane. i already visited him again earlier last month and plan on visiting him for the holidays seeing that he'll be alone and all. he asked me to move with him to strong beach but i'm not THAT crazy! i know it'll be better if we just stayed apart for now, everytime we live together things are ok for a month then they get sour really fast. plus i'm so burned out on cali, i can't stand living out there having to put up with dumb-asses who are just as miserable and can't cope with those feelings and feel like the only way to deal with them is by taking their frustrations and insecurities out on other people that have NOTHING to do with their problems which results in a vicious cycle of anger, hatred, jealousy, animosity and insecurity and i don't want no parts of that. it's their fucked-up lives and THEY should deal with that on their own. i got enough problems already i don't need more being heaped on me by stupid weak losers that are too immature to take a look in the mirror and take full responsibility for their actions and dilemmas.

so i'll have a photo posted of the both of us theresa took thurs. morning in sept. before we left and after we loaded the truck with my stuff. it was good to see dwight and silently resolve those issues within myself. it was definitely something that needed to be done and only the beginning. there is still more work to be done and i'm not gonna give up or roll over and die in some dark corner, that's what the enemy wants me to do but they're gonna have to try harder than that to keep senor fly guy down. i also am gonna upload a portrait i did earlier this year (god how much old artwork do i have sitting around?) of a dA member that was supposed to be in a magazine but didn't make the cute because it was in color and the deadline was kinda imminent, that and she............well i'll explain in the description. hope you enjoy and please keep the insults to a minimum, i know i look really bad.